If such a thing goes unnoticed within ourselves, what about those we know? What changes could they undergo if we haven't seen them in years? Our memories betray us, giving us no indication of what they could have become. What changes lurk unseen behind their facade? How much of one's mind can you see through their eyes?
And what a pair of eyes this is.
What has happened to you, my old friend? You look so similar, and yet... You fill me with dread. Who are those people? Why does that woman look so aroused? There is only one way to know. I shudder at the thought.
Let's Watch: Woody Woodpecker
When I first picked up this film, I briefly entertained the notion that it might actually be good.
No such illusions now.
We begin with Woody sleeping in his little bird house, filled with stupid bird puns. He's awoken by a gunshot in the forest.
OH JESUS DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT
Oh god please don't tell me he'll be talking to the viewer through the whole movie.
So Woody confronts two poachers? In a regular-ass forest? And instead of regular guns they have dart guns? But... they don't make gunshot noises. Where did the gunshot come from?
We have the inevitable slapstick bullshit, only for some reason Woody has superspeed and can fly with literally no effort. Then he... outsmarts the poachers?
Good god, Woody! Don't make them kill each other! Have mercy!
Oh yeah. Tranquilizers. C'mon, they couldn't go all out with the cartoon violence?! I want some real Duck Season shit here!
So that was just the cold open. Woody himself pulls down the scene change, and we find ourselves in Seattle, with that angry guy on the cover.
Ahh shit. Please tell me this is about the guy who swam the English Channel.
Okay. Why did he get terminated.
Oh. Well that would do it. Wait, isn't he a lawyer? Why would he say that? Who even cares? Unless like, bears are sapient in this universe and that's a racial slur. They just defended an oil company, it's not like they were the darlings of environmental groups before that! Ah well. He's a rich guy who hates nature. I HOPE HE COMES TO LOVE IT BY THE END OF THE FILM DUE TO SOME HACKNEYED SHENANIGANS FROM A TALKING BIRD
BUT HOW UNLIKELY FOR THAT TO HAPPEN
Oh hey it's the poachers again and-- wait what the fuck
So there's just one species of bird that somehow has hands and can talk? What? Turns out Woody's probably the last one, and can fetch an enterprising poacher $500,000. Hell, I'd pay that much to see him dead.
Aah! I-I didn't mean it! Haha, just jokes among friends, right Woody?
Nevermind. I mean what I said.
Back with our lawyer-man (and before I forget, he's named Lance, and is played by Lassiter from Psych, so would he be... Lance-iter?) he gets a visit from his... ex-wife and son. Huh. Well, I'm sure some wacky mishaps will arrive with them.
Eeesh Linda, way to be a downer. So now Lance has to spend time with his dumbass kid, who I guess our audience of divorcee kids are supposed to relate to? And deal with his bitch trophy-wife stepmom.
You and me both, lady.
DAAAAMN KID CUTS TO THE BONE
They make their way to some plot of land Lance owns to build a house, so he can sell it and open his own law firm where he will fight for his right for an oil spill in every US state! America!
You know, I actually have to give this movie credit. I think I genuinely want Woody Woodpecker to murder these people. We cut randomly to some park ranger lady, who finds clumps of feathers with a tranq dart among them, along with a candy wrapper. Almost as if... a lazy screenwriter wanted there to be evidence of poachers...
She stops by with the City Asshole Crew, where Lance more or less tells her he wants to burn every natural thing on this earth to the ground. Kid fucks off to the forest, and while he's drumming on a table, comes across our good friend Woody. They proceed to have... a drum off.
No. No no no.
This is getting... oddly intimate. Why does nobody think it's weird that he can talk?
DON'T YOU PULL AN EMPEROR'S NEW GROOVE AND TALK TO THE AUDIENCE YOU PIECE OF SHIT.
So the kid names him Woody, because he didn't have a name before this? He comes back as they're all eating dinner and fucks around.
Oh god, please please please no fart jokes.
I WANT EVERYONE IN THIS MOVIE TO DIE.
The next morning, the building crews arrive, and Lance delights in the wanton destruction of Mother Nature herself. Woody, of course, will have none of this, and proceeds to cause millions of dollars in property damage. And why not, some shit jokes.
I still can't believe this didn't get a theatrical release.
The next day Kid goes into town and meets a girl while playing a guitar in a pawn shop. He ain't got no money to buy it though.
WOOOOAH NO YOU STOP RIGHT THERE
Whew! For a minute there, I-- Nevermind. So she's got a band. I swear to all that is holy that if this movie ends with all of them playing in a band with Woody Woodpecker I am going to lose my shit. Oh hey, Kid's getting hassled by some punks.
FINALLY, someone to root for.
So Woody shows up, rips their clothes up, and the scene ends. Good.
They keep having these short, non sequitur night scenes where Lassiter wakes up from Woody's pecking, yells at him for a bit, and it just ends. Same with these construction scenes, only at the end of this one, Woody tries to drown Lance and Stepmom in cement.
After his attempted gruesome murder, Lance-iter goes to the park ranger to get rid of that goddamn bird. She is no help. We finally see the poachers again, how are things going there?
Smashing.
Okay, that was actually pretty funny.
Now Kid is at band practice, and, ah dammit.
Don't you do it. Don't you fucking do it, Woody.
DON'T YOU DO IT
AAAAAAAGGGGGHHH I HATE YOU
THIS IS THE WORST SONG EVER MADE
Oh thank god, a montage. Even if it is to Surfin' Bird. Even if Woody is causing several deaths per scene.
Woody! He was just doing his job!
JESUS CHRIST! HOW CAN YOU SLEEP WITH THAT BLOOD ON YOUR HANDS?!
Somehow not being blown to smithereens in the horrific carnage, Stepmom dumps Lance and leaves. He's all sad now. He and Kid have a heart to heart.
Oh shit, I think the screenwriter realized what he's done.
Lance meets up with the only pest control company in town, which happens to be the poachers from earlier. They're only too happy to take the woodpecker job. After that Kid and his friends somehow stumble upon the poachers'... secret lair? They find an owl.
Are... are they talking about me? Finally someone noticed!
The poachers come back and shoo the kids away, but don't worry, in the climax they'll use this information to save Woody or some shit.
Then we got some zany bullshit with the dipshit poachers and Lance trying to catch Woody. Since we haven't hit the climax yet, he unsurprisingly outsmarts them.
Back at town, Lassiter meets the park ranger, who I guess now is the love interest for the last half of the film.
You never see it coming until it's too late.
She suggests that he try being nice to the woodpecker instead of antagonizing it. This leads to Lance bribing Woody with some peanut butter cookies, which... works. Huh. But then he has to keep paying, like protection money to the mob.
So after enough extortion, the house is complete, and Kid loves Lance again.
Now it's time for the big hootenanny where--
STOP. STOP SHITTING. GOD, I-- JUST STOP IT. FOR GOD'S SAKE. I GET IT, BIRD POOP IS FUNNY NO IT ISN'T
Just... Christ. Are they gonna play in their stupid band yet?
how unfortunate it looks like the drummer is out of commission. oh who will save these poor sad kids in their time of need
oh goodness it's that loveable scamp woody woodpecker what could he be doing here
OH THERE WE GO! I'M LOSING MY SHIT! IT'S GONE! I'M WRITING A STERNLY WORDED LETTER TO THE DIRECTOR OF THIS MOVIE! I'M GONNA FUCKIN' DO IT I SWEAR!
Wow these kids cannot sing. Making a band was a really ill-advised idea.
So after some out of nowhere scene where they open a chest full of CGI fireflies and everyone "Ooohs" and "Aahs," Woody is having some second thoughts about only having friends that pay you.
He cuts some mural with a terrible likeness of pretty much everybody, but as he goes to put on the finishing touches:
Pff-- heh heh!
Hahahaha!
HAHAHAHAHA!
BWAAAHAHAHAHA! OH GEEZ STOP YOU'RE KILLIN' ME!
Oh man, I need a second. I haven't laughed this hard in... (Lemme see...) One hour and fifty seconds. So with the house that took all movie to build completely destroyed, Lance figures out pretty quick that Woody was to blame. He calls the poachers again and since we ain't got much running time left, they're probably gonna catch him pretty easily this time.
Holy shit! They just brought a goddamn taser!
So they capture Woody, Kid hates Lance again, and we're all set up for the third act. As Kid finds his friends to go save the bird, Lance finds the mural in the smouldering wreckage and has a change of heart. Honestly, I don't even care anymore. Nothing's gonna top that house burning down.
Dangit! You found my weakness! Weird, poorly understood internet black market auctions! Just like Master of Disguise, the best film ever made!
Anyway, the kids sneak in but are almost instantly caught by the poachers. The bidding ends, unfortunately without any ninjas coming down from the ceiling. Easily the worst internet black market scene in film history. Lance and Park Ranger show up and Park Ranger pieces together the obvious clues from earlier, so they burst in for a triumphant rescue!
Oopsy doops. When things look their worst, Lance manages to free Woody, which leads to a big dumb chase scene where Woody finally defeats the poachers and they get arrested.
We close out with Lance now apparently with Park Ranger and about to build a new house. But... Lance is still unemployed, how is he going to buy food? And shouldn't Kid be home? How's he going to go to school? Are they just gonna live in a tent for the rest of their lives?!
Yeah, me.
Wait, why the hell are these credits so long?
Oh my god! They actually put a full-length old Woody Woodpecker cartoon at the end of this thing! There's something genuinely funny on this DVD! This almost makes me glad I spent 15 bucks on it!
Hold on a sec, FIFTEEN BUCKS?!
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