Let's Watch Barbie in Princess Power

Have you ever looked out, over the horizon on a clear night and wondered, "What's out there?" Have you ever felt the fringes of something monumental happening just beyond the limits of your perception? Have you ever thought maybe, just maybe, you could attain greatness?

I was visited by these emotions one day, one dramatic day, as I passed a DVD rack in a grocery store. One of the cases caught my eye, on a seemingly inauspicious pink glittery cover. I flipped it over, greeted with the best blurb I shall ever read.

GET READY TO SOAR!
Barbie stars as Kara, a modern-day princess with an everyday life. One day, after being kissed by a magical butterfly, Kara soon discovers she has amazing super powers allowing her to transform into Super Sparkle, her secret, crime-fighting alter ego who flies around the kingdom ready to save the day! But it's not long before her jealous cousin catches the butterfly and also transforms - this time into Dark Sparkle, her nemesis. Their rivalry takes to the skies, but when they discover the kingdom's true enemy, can they put aside their differences to form one super team? Soar to new heights and discover that there's no greater power than the power of friendship!

And I uttered the words that would alter my destiny.

Holy fuck I have got to watch this goddamn movie.

Yes, it’s time for Let’s Question The Author’s Sexuality. Or as I like to call it:

Let's Watch: Barbie In Princess Power

That fairy movie threw me for a loop sometimes. But I got this one. I know what to expect. This shit's my bread and butter. YOU HEAR ME. BARBIE?! I GOT YOUR NUMBER THIS TIME! I AM MASTER OF MY DOMAI--

OH GOD WHAT HAPPENED?! WHAT HAVE I UNLEA

Oh nevermind, that's just Barbie. Or, Barbie playing Kara. Flying in some... plane thing. That's fine. I don't care. Anyway, she flies over some poorly CGI'd trees, towards a poorly CGI'd mountain, being all "WOOOO! HAHAHAH" instead of screaming bloody murder because she's in a flying metal deathtrap.

Oh, there we go.

She narrowly manages to avoid being splattered on the castle walls as her two moped-riding friends follow with some really obtuse engineering talk. But wait! Kara's found something! Finally we learn the reason for this ludicrously unsafe, untested flight apparatus.

Oh yeah, gotta put yourself in imminent peril so you can FIND A PLACE FOR A GARDEN. Walking around is just so... low class. What's also low class is hurtling to your doom in a shoddily crafted flying machine. And no sooner do we anticipate that outcome than it happens. Help her, moped twins!

After more shenanigans with a smokescreen, she crashes in a tree near who I assume are her parents. They're pretty done with Kara's shit. I'm with you, King and Queen apparently? Kara just wants to be the useful kind of Princess, instead of the only kind that ever existed. Man, who even cares? When are we gonna get to something good? When are we gonna get to--

Evil guy! Baron Von Ravendale, or as I'll be calling him, General Zod. He's mad because his family had the kingdom, and lost it in a game of... rock-paper-scissors. He also has a science lab, and talks to a frog.

Aw, the poor guy. Screw the royal family, I'm with General Zod.

No sooner does he announce his plans for Kingdom Domination when the frog fucks everything up.

Down the drain, it drips on a caterpillar. Uh oh. We see it climb up to a tree and enter a chrysalis, which then opens to-- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH

...

Is it gone?

Okay, so we cut back to, aw crap more of this shit.

So she bitches about not being allowed in flying death machines or whatever.

So I guess that's the "Evil" cousin? She's actually, you know, reasonable.

OH GOD GET IT AWAY

After being kissed by the Abomnutterfly, Kara starts tripping balls.

The next morning she wakes up, and through some antics with her REALLY REALLY GODDAMN ANNOYING pets, she discovers she can fly. But I don't care. Let's see how General Zod is doing.

Does he realize he could just, I dunno, buy a chair?

...

......

Nope.

[Editor's Note: Six Months Later]

Okay folks, I'm gonna be honest. This movie beat me. That fucking chair, man. Turns out, we all have to know our limits, and this got mine. But I'm back, this time with a bunch of beer and the resolve to see this through! I had to have been, like, halfway through this thing, right? Something like-- FIFTEEN MINUTES?!

Ruh roh.

So Kara is all flying around, like you do. General Zod... talks to his frog.

Apparently he's tasked the frog with remaking his superpower potion. It's so hard to get good help these days. Especially when you employ ANIMALS. Back with people I don't care about, they exhibit Kara's stereotypical flying brick powers, only with the added power to shoot sparkles. Yes, sparkles. Then we get-- NO NO NOT A SONG

This is god-awful! I wish I could make you listen to it! Oh, wait, here it is. NOW YOU LISTEN TO IT. THE WHOLE DAMN THING.

So Kara, after flying around, decides she's had enough of this GODDAMN TREE BULLSHIT.

Of course, the wonder twins have to literally explain how superheroes work, and explicitly tell her how she can't use her powers for personal gain, instead of like, I dunno, learning it on her own and it being an emotional story where we connect with the characters? AH WELL WHO NEEDS THAT WE GOT

AGAIN WITH THE GARDEN???? WHAT IS IT WITH THESE PEOPLE AND GARDENING?!? GO FIGHT CRIME IT'S THE SIMPLEST STORY IN THE WORLD!!!!

...

Euuuuugh. Aaaaanyway, they give her a superhero identity of... Super Sparkle, so she can... make a garden. Yep. No crime, vice, or corruption in this kingdom, just a plot of land without tomatoes. Faster than a speeding tractor, more powerful than a roto-tiller! Able to plant 100 squashes in a single bound! It's a princess! It's a stupid idea! No, it's SUPER SPARKLE!

I am about done with this goddamn movie, I don't know how I can make it through another second.

You were this close, Barbie. So while General Zod is transporting the ingredients for his next potion, a series of improbable coincidences almost kill the only rational character, uh, the cousin. I guess taking a break from GARDENING, Super Sparkle saves the day. Yay. Afterwards, some people are talking about it. Including, ugh, this guy.

That's weird, he really looks like... nobody! Certainly not anyone I know!

Y-YOU WRITE A BLOG IN YOUR BEDROOM! I MEAN SHUT UP!

Uh, so Kara's friends get mad at her for missing the garden thingy, but she's got another idea.

Can... can this movie hear me? This is getting creepy.

So they turn Kara's bedroom into some superhero lair. We cut to General Zod, stealing some stuff from a warehouse, which promptly explodes. Back with the Princess gang, you'll never guess what they're on about.

Well, maybe you shouldn't have told her about all this superhero shit! Speaking of which, that warehouse is still on fire. She saves a guy in it, then her and Wes take a selfie.

Kill me.

Oh, I almost forgot, it's Kara's birthday party!!! Yay. For some reason Wes got invited, and soon everyone's talking about Super Sparkle.

You're the only voice of reason, girl who's name I forgot. But more importantly, there's a bank robbery! Luckily, Windamere's finest are on the job!

Well that didn't work. Why does that police car look like it was drawn by an 11 year old with a straight edge? At any rate, she lifts the car into the air, trapping the first thief, but what about the second? No wait, Super Sparkle, don't!

SUPER SPARKLE WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?! HE WAS JUST MISGUIDED!

Oh. I guess that makes sense, somehow? It all ends with the two criminals and the cop in the police car. Well okay. Back at the party, Evil (Reasonable) Cousin finds out Kara is Super Sparkle. She finds out from the twins that it was the magical butterfly that did it. So of course her next move is to-- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH

So after sexually assaulting an insect, Cousin's got super powers. And Baron Von Zod gets into trouble getting the last component to his elixir, but this time, eh it's really the same thing.

Wait, how did she get a costume? The moped twins aren't helping her. Geez, she's better than Kara, she did all of this on her own! GO DARK SPARKLE!! What follows is a montage of both of them trying to save more people than the other, over another terrible- well okay, this one's actually kinda catchy.

After that, Wes figures out Kara's actually Super Sparkle by... seeing they have the same ring? Then he publishes an exposé on it?

Wow, what a dick. Kara's parents are for some reason more concerned she put herself in danger rather than completely flabbergasted that their daughter has superpowers. They forbid her from being Super Sparkle. Uh, okay. I guess there's another one now, so it works out.

Back at the lab, General Zodendale has finished his potion!

Holy shit, FINALLY! Now go kill the king and bring Democracy to this terrible dictatorship!

Yes! YES!!!

Nooooooooo

So it's revealed Cousin is Dark Sparkle, and they both go to fight Ravendale. The frog eats some of the potion, and apparently gets superpowers.

IS EVERYONE IN THIS MOVIE GOING TO GET SUPER POWERS?! Wait, why is it wearing a mask?

Jesus, why do they put so much focus on the tongue? Euuuuuugh!

So Kara and Ravendale have a Dragonball Z fight.

Only, you know, worse.

Zod goes to the local... dormant volcano? I guess to plunge the kingdom into an apocalypse the likes of which it has never seen. Then more DBZ fighting. Or in this case, I guess it's more Danny Phantom.

Meanwhile... woah!

Great job, hero. After saving her parents, Super Sparkle tries to stop the giant wave of lava washing towards the city, but when it seems like she's just all out of sparkle, Dark Sparkle returns! Long story short, they divert the lava flow. I mean, her parents are gonna roast in their panic room, but you take what you can get.

Hey, that's my line!

So now Super Sparkle and Dark Sparkle are best friends, and Baron Zod can't beat two teenage girls in a fight. Good thing he's got an ace in the hole!

Jesus Christ. This is horrendous.

NO NEVERMIND I TAKE IT BACK I TAKE IT BACK

So the... super... pets... save the day. They lock the Baron in the panic room tower, which for some reason he can't open from the inside. The next day, we get a little denouement, where Kara's parents accept she has powers no man was meant to wield, so they cannot possibly control her. It's all happy, until Kara remembers something that must be done. Oh, are they gonna finally deal with Ravendale? Get the butterfly before everyone has superpowers? Clean up the giant terrible lava flow around the castle courtyard?

...

.....

FUCK IT.