Ultimate Spider-Man Animated Series Review

Hey guys. Since I have nothing going on in my life, I decided to wake up early, watch the premier of the new Ultimate Spider-Man cartoon, and liveblog it, or whatever the hell it's called. Or just a review. I don't know. This is more than likely to just be a lot of angry words typed with capslock.

Starting out:

We got J.K. Simmons as J. Jonah Jameson, which is just amazing. That is ruined by Drake Bell's Spider-Man. Ow. Spider-Man just keeps bitching about being a super hero. Great. Oh god, they have cutaway gags. I really hope that's not a running thing.

He starts narrating to the audience about how Spider-sense works. Aaaand now Nick Fury's in the picture. Nick Fury explains that Spider-Man needs SHIELD training, because otherwise he will suck and that will cause problems for everyone. Uh oh.

I am so sick of these cutaway gags, and Spider-Man talking to the camera. I am being insulted here. He just starts mentioning Uncle Ben over and over. Compared to everything else, THIS is what I find heavyhanded.

Oh great, they gave him a new webshooter. That's what I needed in my Spider-Man, for them to take away everything he earned himself.

Now we get an obvious Evil Norman Osborn scene. He wants to make an army of Spider-Men, right off the bat he explains this to the audience. We don't see him as a businessman, philanthropist, anything, just him in a dark room talking about how much money he can make if he made super soldiers.

Okay, so it looks like Mary Jane is based on the Ultimate comics, Wanting to be a journalist and whatnot. Harry looks to be Ultimate-based too. I guess I have no problems with that.

PETER! STOP TALKING TO THE CAMERA! AAAAAAAAUUUUUGH

MORE CUTAWAY GAGS. PETER YOU GAVE THE WORST REASON TO NOT KICK THE SHIT OUT OF FLASH. There is just no nuance or subtlety to anything in this show. It's just "LOOK I'M SPIDER-MAN RESPONSIBILITY HEY GUYS RESPONSIBILITY"

Oh hey a Stan Lee cameo. That helps my aching heart.

This narration is the laziest narrative device I've ever seen. Instead of finding ways for us to find out who different villains are, we get a goddamn school lesson from Peter. It might not be so bad if I didn't find Drake Bell's voice so annoying.

So the Frightful Four attack, trying to find Spider-Man in the school, hired by Doc Ock who is ordered by Norman. Norman calls off the attack when he realizes the school being attacked is the same one Harry goes to.

Oh god, his banter is so bad. No, no no no no. Okay, so the fight scene itself isn't so bad. There's a villain teamup and he's using their strengths against one another, so that's good. This is just one of the times I wish Spider-Man would just STOP TALKING.

Woah, Aunt May is waaaay young. She looks like a 30 year old with white hair.

SO MANY CUTAWAY GAGS. LAZY LAZY LAZY WRITING.

And now a Spider-Man is talking to Peter through the mirror. Is that okay? It just seems to me that he's getting a little crazy. Of course, that thing outlines every problem he has right now, in the most obvious fashion. With that, Peter decides he needs SHIELD training, for some reason.

He gets onto the Helicarrier, or Triskelion or what have you, but only by using the webshooter Nick Fury gave him.

Oh, the next episode. Might as well keep going here.

Spider-Man is fighting some robots for training, because that's not the most cliched thing I've ever seen. All the while mentioning things that lead to cutaway gags.

Hey, you know what, Aunt May is kind hot in this show. No, really guys.

Oh god. Oh god, a super team. Why the hell is there a team of kid heroes. So there's a kid version of Iron Fist, a Kid Nova, and two other people I don't care about. They talk about how much Spider-Man sucks, and how he can't be on the team. Good! I don't want him to join your stupid team! But I know he will because this show is determined to show how any trace of individualism is futile and will always make you fail. What you need is a super-team and backing from a government agency.

I HATE DRAKE BELL'S STUPID VOICE. I HATE IT SO MUCH. I WISH I COULD HATE IT TO DEATH. He screams and screeches and it never ends.

And now Peter's recapping the last episode, by talking to the camera. He's looking at it.

Mary Jane wants to find Spider-Man, so she can interview him I guess. At least Peter realizes his voice might give him away if he talked to MJ dressed as Spider-Man.

Back on the Helicarrier, we get my favorite thing, Spider-Man taking orders.

Now Curt Conners is apparently an engineer, not biologist. And he has two arms. They talk about a bunch of new "Spider-gadgets" and Spider-Man asks what happens if he refuses the new tech. Fury tells him he doesn't have a choice. That's juuust great. Does anyone else find this to be a bit contrary to the usual essense of Spider-Man? Spider-Man's whole shtick is that he's just one dude who's more or less self-made, doesn't take orders from people, and has the smarts to make it on his own.

WHY IS THERE A GODDAMN MOTORCYCLE. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

Oh god, why would they do this to me. He rides the motorcycle out of the Helicarrier, and we get yet another cut of Spider-Man falling down while screeching like a goddamn banshee. Why do they make him scream so much.

WHY DOES THE MOTORCYCLE HAVE WEBBING. AT WHAT POINT DID SPIDER-MAN EVER NEED A FREAKING MOTORCYCLE. THERE'S A REASON THE SPIDER-CAR IS A GIANT JOKE.

So there's a giant pointless "action sequence" where he runs around on his motorcycle a while and screams the whole time. The new team saves him and introduces themselves. Iron Fist, White Tiger, Power Man, and Nova.

Spider-Man, stop talking about responsibility. I get it, that's your thing, stop talking about it. Auuugh, he doesn't want to join a team because other people might get hurt? No, he shouldn't want to join a team because SPIDER-MAN IS FREELANCE.

So he gets captured, which will only go to show how much he obviously needs to be on a team. Yeah, the Frightful Four mention that's there's more of them than there is of him, and proceed to beat the crap out of him. So he screams more. Then the super-team shows up and we all learn about the power of teamwork.

Then, because the plot demands it, Spider-Man joins the team and everyone's happy. Uh oh. The super team is now his classmates. And Agent Coulson of SHIELD is the new principle. So Nick Fury can "Keep an eye" on Peter. Then the episode ends.

So let's go over what's wrong with this show: Talking to the audience, a complete lack of subtlety in any form, the horrible cutaway gags that make this worse than Family Guy, the lack of any good banter from Spider-Man, and the general themes of the show. Usually with Spider-Man, the fact that he's self-made, that he's a loner more or less are main themes. Sure, there'll be a teamup now and then, but nobody trained him, nobody tells him what to do. He didn't work for the government, he worked for the people, just trying to save people when he could. The new show seems to be about how Spider-Man can get all his training, technology, and orders from SHIELD. The whole direction of the show is one I'm not comfortable with.

Oh, and THE GODDAMN MOTORCYCLE. ACFHJKLSDH W DEFENDER AL:fjoaf